40 days

For the last 40 days, I have been breathing deeper, more effortlessly. I let things surprise me, entertain me, shock me, anger me, make me laugh. I say things when I want to, wording them the way they occur to me. I laugh openly, endlessly, till the laughter runs its course. I let the rain soak me, and I let my feet run. I step into puddles when I want to, I pirouette around them when I don't. I jostle, and let myself be jostled. I allow myself to mutter rude things when I want to, I let myself gush when I want to. When there's something I'd like someone to know, I tell them. I don't shy away from compliments. I feel fully scared when I am scared, I feel fully awestruck when I am awed, I let myself be caught off-guard, I let myself be taken unawares, I allow myself more wide-eyed wonder than I ever have. I try whatever I want to try, I explore whatever calls out to me. I stick my head out of car windows, I lean out of moving trains. I throw my arms open for hugs to the Sea-Link, the expressways, the skywalks. I hurt like crazy when I am hurt; I sing like a lunatic when I want to sing...and I feel so happy when I am happy that I have to make a physical effort to keep my heart from exploding. In the last 40 days, I have become inexplicably...free.

I build my own castles in the air. I live in my own la-la land. I wake up with a new bright idea every day. I have begun to allow myself to feel more sorry for myself at not finding a window seat, than I do when a presentation bombs. I adopt and discard a hundred musings at will. I think about everything, and about nothing at all. I have stopped caring whether I am in line with the rest of the world - and I never really cared whether they were in line with me - so basically, I don't care at all. When the world rushes by me at the doors of a local, and all I want to do is smile into the breeze and the rain, I don't remind myself of the crowd around any longer. When I want to hold my hand out to the breakers at Marine Drive, I no longer feel the need to check if anyone's looking. When I find something adorable or hilarious, I chuckle. I let my mirth laugh itself out to its heart's content.

I am no longer afraid to love - not afraid to think about it, not afraid to talk about it, not afraid to express it. I no longer believe that drawing lines and staying guarded will protect me. I let myself love, I let myself go crazy about things, I form attachments without thinking twice. I love so much it hurts - and then I love some more. I'm not afraid to have my heart broken, I am not afraid of the effort it will take to put it back together. I am not afraid to dream. I am no longer unsure of how I will pick up broken pieces. I am no longer afraid of their entirety when they come true. I live in the moment - I know no other way any more.

I talk before thinking. I think a lot, and sometimes not at all. I do exactly as I please. I do ludicrous, ridiculous things. I take leaps of faith all the time. I draw up bucket lists every second minute, and then diligently go about ticking things off. I have begun to live like there is no tomorrow, I have begun to believe, and I am not afraid to be happy. Oh, I cry too - it's not like I don't. I cry like a baby. I let myself go. I let go. I've begun to discard baggage, I've begun to travel extra-light. I let bright lights blind me, I let colours fill up my peripheral vision, I let sounds travel directly to my senses. I filter nothing. I let it all in, raw, unprocessed, and I let myself be coloured happy. I feel.

My thresholds have become lower - so low, in fact, that they don't exist anymore. I used to have walls - they've vanished from under my nose. I have no idea what became of them, and I don't care. I'm raw, defenceless, vulnerable now.

I have never felt stronger, richer or happier.

I have never felt so much. I have never lived so much. I'm in love with the city. I have never been so free.