You know the Thought Experiments. This is the back of the envelope.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Thinking Aloud - I

I'll be the first to admit that you have to have nothing to do - or so much to do that you do not know where to start, so end up doing nothing eventually - to think of things like these. I have a lot to do tonight and this week. I have had a lot to do in the last two months. But I can't help thinking about this fact of life, ergo, it has found its way to this page.

You know, when you're living a moment, that is all there is. It fills up your life. You don't really stop to think that in another second, this moment will become part of your past, never to be recovered except in reminiscence. You certainly do not stop to think that it is also becoming part of your future, but in a quiet, unobtrusive way. Like this moment. Here. Now.

Because if you had known that the moment could never be recovered, you would have been more careful, and more accepting of its ephemeral nature. More appreciative, maybe. Less scared, perhaps, or more honest.

For several moments in the year that has passed, I have the same wistful longing now. It's useless, I know. Nothing's going to bring them back, least of all more time spent wishing them back into the present. But if I had known that, countless times last year, I was living the kind of moment that would never repeat itself, I would probably have been more careful with it, handled it with greater care. Living life on a no-regrets basis is great...but one of the problems is, if you do stop to turn and look back, you run the risk of being overwhelmed by instances of what could have been. Oh, dear God. There I go again. I hate what-ifs. I've lived my entire life on the principle that I wouldn't  ever do anything that left room for a what-if. Everything would get the chance it deserved. Everything is worth a try. Sure, you fall and scrape a knee. But you also score one thing off the list of things you'd otherwise be wondering about at 84.

I'm sleepy and a little blue. I really don't know if the last ten sentences make any sense.

But I do know that if I had known I was living so many lasts last year, I'd probably have...I don't know. What would I probably have done? I do know I lived those moments off the top of my head, spontaneously, the only way I know...what would I have done differently? From that last visit in February to the last walk in April; from the last just-because trip in May to that last call; from that last journey in September to the last meeting in many moments I wanted to grab with both hands and keep safe...all gone.

I'm getting bluer by the minute. I should probably turn in. Days have a way of behaving better once ended and begun afresh.


Someday's dreamer said...

From your 10 sentences, if I infer right, you don't want to have regrets, and you don't want to miss an opportunity at something, right?
But there are only so many things one can do, you can't sleep and be awake at the same time, so don't beat yourself about it! You chose, and gave your fullest to your choice, thats brilliant and brave. It leaves no need for What-if's.
As for lasts... time always runs by, and life keeps moving on, The last time I was 16, 17.... The last time I lived in the previous decade... I would love to have them back, hold on to it, but we can't, life moves on ...:) its not so sad really... to deal with that, I've decided to be a memory keeper. I take loads of pictures, and write about moments I want captured. There's nothing we can do that can stop time, but we can capture slivers of it for our memory.
Life moves on, and there are so many First-times coming up, so don't miss them, being too caught up in the last-times, ok ?
Quoting Ban "Remember, don't regret, Think, don't brood"

:) Choose your own life's happiness ... blue can be a beautiful color too...

Crossworder said...

I'm gonna remember that quote. I love it. Thanks! I am somewhat wont to live in the past...I need to shake myself out of it every now and then :D Hope life's being good to you. I got THE most irritating query today...but more about that in my next series of messages, or the next call. :)