What I'm asking myself tonight:

1. Why didn't I just call my professor in October? What took me so long?

2. What sent all sense flying out of the window that Sunday in July?

3. More importantly, have I retrieved it yet?

4.Who, from the U.A.E., tried my number four times this afternoon? Real mystery. I don't even know anyone in that part of the world. And, for the fortieth time, why on earth have my employers disabled international calling on all corporate numbers?

5. So when do I plan on tidying my room?

6. How come it's a mess anyway? This is my room we're talking about.

7. What should I gift my favourite colleague on her wedding day?

8. I was supposed to turn in at ten. It is half-past eleven. What on earth...??

9. Do you think I'll make those deadlines?

10. Why am I compiling this list?

11. I'm pretty certain I missed a birthday today. The question is, whose?

12. And if that is indeed the case, how did I miss a birthday? I'm usually good with those.

13. How did I ever think I'd be glad to get out of Delhi?

14. What if I had submitted that essay the way I originally wrote it?

15. What am I doing this March 30?

16. No, really, what is the point of this list?

17.Would they just send me on a recruitment trip already?

18. I have a book I haven't finished in five weeks. Now how did that happen??

19. Is it just my computer, or has Blogger really started acting difficult again?

20. This could go on for a while. When, exactly, do I intend ending it?

21. Am I going to publish this or relegate it to the Drafts folder?

22. Eh, well. Let's turn in, shall we?

Take a bow, Mr. Carroll.

Some of my favourites from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass...this is for an author and poet I have grown up loving. For train journeys, winter vacations and after-school afternoons that he lit up with his warmth, wit and humour. You're one of my favourites, Mr. Carroll. Thank you for happening to that six-year-old throwing tantrums when the train was delayed. :)

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." 

...

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. " 

...

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!" 

...

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?"

...

"I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again." 

...

"Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!" 

...

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later." 

...

"Just look down the road and tell me if you can see either of them."
I see nobody on the road." said Alice.
I only wish I had such eyes,"the King remarked in a fretful tone. "To be able to see Nobody! And at such a distance too!" 

...

"And how do you know that you're mad? "To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?" I suppose so, said Alice. "Well then," the Cat went on, "you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags it's tale when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad." 

...

Afterthought

But oh, how it feels so real
Lying here, with no one near, only you
And you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly,
Hold me closer, tiny dancer...

'I'll tell you something that makes a lot of sense', she sighed meditatively. 'It seems like the end of the world, but it isn't.'

I waited for more.

She looked at me, a little surprised that I hadn't recognised the wisdom in her words yet.

'So...?' I prompted.

'So it isn't the end of the world, and will not feel that way', she said, a little impatiently.

'That's the problem. It feels that way right now.'

'So don't let it'. She'd gone right back to complacent wisdom.

Jesus freaks out in the streets
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back, she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad.

I glanced at her, stirring sugar into into her coffee. We had lost touch after I left the firm; had discovered, thanks to Facebook, that we were both in town for Christmas, and had made a spur-of-the-moment plan to meet up. I wondered if she had ever had the slightest idea. It didn't matter anymore whether she had, but it was definitely ironic that she should be telling me not to let it feel like the end of the world now.

'I don't think it will, much longer'. I focused on a speck on the table.

'It's difficult', she acknowledged, frowning thoughtfully. 'I took it hard too, when it happened to me a couple of years ago. You remember that time when I used to be really irritable at work, and once took that long, three-week break for no apparent reason? May, I think. Or June. But it's okay. You get over it. All it takes is some time.'

'There was none here, Jen', I pointed out. I didn't want to mention that I had very vague recollections of the time she was referring to. It was around then that I had resigned, and I had had issues of my own to deal with. But telling her that wouldn't have been very polite.

'That shouldn't affect your decision'. She straightened. 'You need to think clearly'.

More and more ironic, I thought.

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You've had a busy day today

'Let me know how it works out', she said, as we were paying the bill. 'And do learn to show up on time. We were going to meet at five, not five-fifteen.' She smiled. 'I'm glad you admit to the feeling, at least, Ray. I didn't think I'd live to see the day that you felt this way about someone!'

It seemed about time.

'Jen', I looked her straight in the eye. 'This is not the first time I've fallen for someone. I felt this way about you back then, you know. When we worked together. I just never told you. And...' I faltered, suddenly uncertain. It didn't appear as harmless an idea as it had four seconds ago, this choosing to tell her about feelings that I had put away for good. She was staring at me, still with shock. 'And...' I went on, putting all my courage into my words, 'it did seem like there was someone you were constantly thinking about, so it didn't feel like the right thing to do. It's all in the past, of course. Anyway...so I think I'll leave now. See you later?'

'Ray'.

'Yes?" I turned. She hadn't moved an inch.

'Think clearer this time." Her voice was hard and her eyes were unusually bright.

I sat in my car, listless and a little troubled. Maybe I should get more coffee to go, I thought, absently fingering the receipt from our coffee. Jen never collected receipts. It was a habit everyone at work used to kid her about, I remembered.

The order for a latte and a double espresso had been placed at 4:53 pm.

Flyleaf

One breath, one blink, one tick of the clock - and we move into a new year. The last just melted into posterity, and this one's young and full of beans.

To me, the arrival of a new year is always magical. Who knows what it's got up its sleeve? True, if we get down to brass tacks, it's just a digit changing on the calendar. But a life lived amongst the brass tacks wouldn't be half as much fun, now, would it?

'night, World. The other half of you is probably ringing 2011 in about now. When we meet next, we'll all have begun the new year. So long!

...and, curtains!

I do remember dancing into the new millennium and this decade. And I'll remember baking and reading my way out of it - the decade, that is. The millennium, I want to waltz my way out of :)

Fifty-three minutes to a brand new year, and a brand new decade.

I'll miss you, 2010. You were one interesting, happy year.

And you, 2011, waiting in the wings... Come on in!

I'll see you on the other side of midnight, World! Have a wonderful year ahead...and a decade to match!

:)

The Mistake

Lesson 1: The next time someone has a story they want to tell you, run for your life.

Lesson 2: Never, never, never share your favourite spot in the world with anyone in the hope that it will make them feel better. It doesn't. It just ruins the spot for you till you can get over being mad at yourself for having been stupid enough to share it in the first place.

Lesson 3: Never be found in your hostel at lunch if you bunked classes that day.

Lesson 4: It's not that bad. Don't bother.

Lesson 5: Cross the road, and go home. Don't hang out or take a walk. Doesn't help the tiniest bit.

Lesson 6: Stop gaping. It doesn't even involve you. Utter waste of time.

Lesson 7: Some kinds of ice are best left unbroken.

Lesson 8: When you've learnt enough to be able to list Lessons 1 through 7, cut your losses and move on.

Note to reader: There's not much to be read into this.
Note to self: Learn, learn, learn!

Fifth Corner - I

I guess it has something to do with this time of the year. Willy-nilly, I turn back and take stock. It's a feeling I'm now familiar with...the warmth of my palms ensconced safely in the pockets of my sweatshirt, the chill playing with my breath each time I exhale, my mind a whirl of thoughts. I've found myself doing this curled up on windowsills on Main Corr, on the terrace as I gaze out over a sleeping city, on long walks to Gwyer Hall and back, and on sleepless nights here in Bhubaneswar, watching winter raindrops trickling off palm fronds just outside my window. That palm frond was just sprouting when I got here...now, it's close enough to touch.

I shake hands goodnight with it. :)

It's been a year I will never forget. I've done things I've always wanted to, and some things I never thought I would. I've had wishes granted. The impossible practically happened. Enough said.

Somewhere, though, there's a slight tinge of disillusionment and a little sadness.

Don't get me wrong - heaven forbid that I should feel or even sound like an ingrate. I'm thinking aloud...let's see if we can sort this out.

(So is this where I should insert the Rambling Alert? Methinks it is.)

It began wonderfully enough - my first New Year's Eve home in five years. It was a very happy girl who made her way back to Delhi for her fourth semester. February was important - I re-discovered an old love, thanks to a new friend. I had the most amazing evening of my life on March 15. I didn't know this then...but March was also the month of another beginning. More about that later.

Let's see...April was laid back. Quiet and lazy and fun. I do remember presenting my dissertation one afternoon. I've never been as poorly prepared for anything, ever...and I've never had so much fun. May...ah, now we're talking. :)

May was crazy. There were exams I was unprepared for out of sheer disinclination, and there was a growing realization that if what I had with Delhi couldn't be classified as a with-or-without-you relationship, nothing could. May 15, again, was one of those days. I went from ecstatic to flabbergasted to plain low in 30 seconds flat. Even for someone as mercurial as I am, that's a quick transition. And that's all the more reason May 16 was such a surprise. May 17 was...difficult. Packing six years into sixteen bags and boxes is not easy...and I'm not talking logistics here. The next day, I left Delhi.

I'll never forget the night leading up to my departure, or the last hour at the airport. Other memories will come and go, this one's going to stay. Till the plane actually took off the runway, I was practically numb. I didn't realise I was crying till much later. Then I felt embarrassed, then stupid...and then I stopped caring about everything but the fact that I was leaving behind something I loved, and cried harder.

And that's why the week that followed was so difficult. It was my last four days with my family before I entered a set-up that measures personal time and space in privilege leaves. There were a million things to be done, scores of things to run around for. Mornings and evenings came and went, marking time with merciless regularity. The one thing that was constant, whether I was at the doctor's or the bank or the temple, was this thought sitting in a corner of my mind. "When you leave now", it kept repeating, "you are not going back to Delhi. Not now, not any time soon. There's no Delhi to go back to, the way you've known going back to it. What you've left behind is over."

I'm no good at handling endings, so that hurt.

The last week was full of new experiences. Outside BKC on the 23rd, I began a new chapter. Of more than one story, though I didn't know about the other.

May ended with three clueless ER Managers landing in Calcutta, dining on Maggi and saying goodnight in the hall before proceeding to Rooms 1 and 3 (I got one all to myself. The guys shared the other. Oh, the privileges of being a woman :)

June. Hmm...June.

Here are my discoveries for June:

1.Recruitment can be as boring in practice as it is in theory. The thrill wears off in no time, especially when logistics demand attention.

2. A good team is half the job done.

3. Laugh a lot. Be goofy. Play silly games. It's good for you. :)

4. Delhi is a lover and a friend. Calcutta is your friendly old neighbour next door.

5. And Calcutta is beautiful at midnight.

6. Long work hours are more irritating in reality than they are horrifying in concept.

7. Homesickness sometimes gets accentuated in a hotel room.

8. You can do - or not do - what you like. If it's meant to happen, it pretty much will.

9. Airtel has lousy customer care for its prepaid services.

10. Six weeks is a long time to spend with a bag packed only with a five-day trip in mind.

11. Following from #10, being in a new place every third day is a lot more fun when you don't have to worry about laundry.

12. Let. Go. It's important.

July was another revelation. Bhubaneswar and I happened to each other. We're still trying to figure our way around each other, this city and I. The end of the month was especially tough, on several fronts...which is why the trip to Khandala, which happened in the beginning of August, was a much-needed and very soothing break. Hills, mist, rain, lakes, highway, moonlit nights, golden afternoons. Perfection, in other words.

August, September, October, November...the months just melted away. Little bits and pieces of life held together by a fibre I couldn't identify. I learned something about myself these last four months. I learned that I am capable of feeling lonely, that I have walls I need to reconsider, and that I may have to rethink thoughts I've already rethought. I learned that I am allowed my mistakes. I learned to be comfortable with acknowledging that sometimes, things weren't all okay, and that it was alright for them to not be okay once in a while. I learned to face facts and deal with them. And above all, I learned that being honest with yourself and telling yourself the truth are sometimes two different things - and both are equally important.

Well, then...it's been a year I'll never forget. I'll remember it because it fulfilled a  long-cherished wish and because it taught me something I'd never have learned, left to myself. I'd always wished for a job I could travel madly as part of. That happened alright. The lesson? I'll tell you later. :)

Disillusionment, yes. I guess that's part of the deal. It happens to me sometimes as part of my job...and it happens on the personal front too. But, you know what, in the larger scheme of things, it's okay. It really is. You know what they say about fixing the blues...count your blessings, they say. Thank your lucky stars.

Either that, or blog about the year gone by, say I. :)

p.s. Still got some stock-taking left. Later, maybe.

Actually, I'll definitely come back and finish this.